I think I spend enough of my time thinking about myself. Not that kind of thinking about myself, the philosophical thinking about myself and why I do things. Tonight, is going to be me analyzing my social habits and skills. I, myself, try my best to individual amongst everybody else. Not so much to stand out and bring attention to myself, but to think differently from everyone else. One of the ways I do that is simply straight apathy. If you see me on the street, I do not care about you. Or at least what you think about me.
Anonymity, can be very powerful.
Many times have I convinced people, who I have never met before ever, to tell me what is bugging them, and I proceed to hand out my advice on the situation. Why? Why bother? Why would they do that? Why not? I mean, I don't care really what you think, and I would be a perfect objective stance to whatever they would be facing. Odds are, if this is the first time I have met you, this just might also be the last time I am going to see you. This can easily split into a, "Don't waste your time with hate," speech but maybe some other time. My point is that, when you stop caring about what others think sometime you can do whatever you want. I pull of lot of strength and confidence when I meet you people from my anonymity.
Thus, poses the paradox. If you talk to my friends and ask about me, I'm pretty sure you would get a generic description of my attitude. Easy going, likable, wears flip-flops all the time, and then probably some odd men out. This is because when I am with people I consider my friends, that fog of anonymity begins to really clear up and I feel like I must act a certain way because that is how they have come to know me. Either a really nice guy or a sarcastic jerk. An outgoing schmoozer, or a background prop. I always love meeting new people, but it's the lasting relationships that confine me to act like something other than myself.
This is extra hard when trying to form those deeper kinds of relationships. The kind in your family, or with "best friends," or your special others. The first two come easier, unless you have been living a lie your whole life, because those usually have a pretense of knowing you from an early start and after long periods of time the ruse of ambiguity just fades away. That last case is what is compelling me to write about my social mind. To sum up the paradox.
Paradox: Not knowing people lets me be very approachable, to the people whom I want to grow close. Growing close means caring about their judgment, so I keep myself away even though I want to form those bonds.
*Aside* I find that, I really don't care about anyone's opinion ever. Except when I am interested in someone, then that is the only opinion I ever care about, and the human interactive framework in me crumbles down to the bumbling guy I was in middle school. I wish I had to courage to finally really say something to her.
