Supression.

Back in high school people used to call me "Jolly John."

"Don't be angry."

"Don't be like that."

All my life I've been told never to be mad. All my life I've been told never to be angry. Straight to the point where I simply wasn't allowed. I have seen other people angry. At me, at others, at the world. Even at the slightest things that would peeve me, someone would always be there to tell me how I should be feeling. Oh, but don't be angry.

Why not?

A smiling face. The most dangerous people in the world are often not the ones with tattoos all over their body or hard serious grimaces where ever they go. It's the person with the smiling face that has the most opportunity to cause the most harm. I am not one of those people. I have grown a level head. (More about that on a later post maybe.)

What happens to it all? If you are not allowed to let it out, where does it go?

EDIT:
Relative.

The annoyance list.

Figure a.

I have decided to compile a list. If you have not yet guessed it, yes it will be of things that annoy me in a very special way. The kind of annoyances that make you facepalm. If you do not know what that means, please refer to Figure a (for further reading please see Figure b). This list will be in no particular order, and will hopefully be updated as time proceeds and I can recollect my thoughts.

• People who don't use enough normal English. (Including slang, hype words, and cutesy words ending in -y, -ey, and/or -ly, also -ers or -erz)
• Learning a truth you didn't want to hear.
• Use of Internet slang/lingo/meme improperly in real life.
• Ignorance, straight ignorance.
• Tweets/updates about bodily functions ... Are you trying to dissuade skeptics of your humanity? Stop it.
  

Figure b.

Passion vs Preparation

I'm going to steal a quote from this YouTube movie I watced recently, although the movie itself is not so recent. (More on that later.)

"If you know how you get somewhere, usually, you can figure out how to get out."

-Just a Nice Guy, Wong Fu Productions

Every now and then, as probably with most people, there are times where you try and take a step back from your life and figure out how exactly you got to where you are now. Maybe you are wondering why you have it so good, maybe you are wondering how did things go so wrong, or maybe you are wondering when did this all start or end. Maybe, just maybe, the thought has never crossed your mind.

Decisions. What did you do?

It is our decisions that govern how things unfold. Once you think about it, life could be seen as simply an object of infinite states. I say state meaning a state of being. If you are still confused, think of it life like a path beginning with being born and ending with dying, and there are infinite number of steps you can take to go from A to B. It is up to yourself to figure out exactly which steps exactly you are going to take. Which brings me to the topic at hand.

It's a fight between the heart and the brain!

There are two major factors that go into making your next move, passion and preparation. Yes, I know I can equate these words with other synonyms that would better convey my message, but for alliteration sake, I am using passion and preparation. These are hopefully self-explanatory, but I will expand for those who have not caught wind. I will start with the latter. Preparation involves your logic, your analysis, your sense of counter-balancing the good and the bad. Preparation is the part of you that can spot a good deal at a sale. Passion involves your emotion, and your...well, that is about it. It is that gut-feeling, your impulse. Passion is the part of you that buys that thing simply because it was on sale.

You can go right and wrong with how you choose to react. I find that the preparation side of life has the higher chance of "paying out," so to say. Why would it not? You have done your homework, the decision you are about to make works with your logic, and you have hopefully weighed it out to be the best choice. That being said, I also find that the jackpot can only be won with passion. It is like going all in, on pocket twos when you have not even seen the flop. For me, it seems like I can not even function with the passionate side of me anymore. Everything in my head seems to run through some filter of what is going to happen. I think it is because running on passion on my side of life, seems to only get me into trouble. Bad things sprout from relying on your gut too much. In the movie, "Minority Report," where most crime has been diminished, the only murders that occur are based on passion. I feel now more than ever, especially being out of college, that I have no room for mistakes. It feels like my safety net is gone. I have regret this. The mantra of "everything will be alright," seems to be fleeting. This subject matter has been on my mind for a while now, and even though the fall my hurt I feel like now maybe I should start rolling my dice.

Where does your fate lay? Why it is in your hands, of course. Now this is most certainly not a black and white affair. The shades of gray, can probably deduce your chances of failure while maximizing your pay out. Ferris Bueller's Day Off comes to mind. Of course, have a good amount of luck doesn't hurt. Just make sure it's the right kind of luck.

Responsibility and Labels

Let's do a little exercise.

- Think about...hmm...five of your friends names. Just their names.
- Put them in some order. Any order, it doesn't matter. Well at least not for this exercise, ask a shrink. I'm sure the order you put them in actually means you have some repressed daddy issues or something.
- Now think of their appearance. Whole body. In order.
- Now think of some words describing each one of them.

Was any of them "responsible?"

Now think of yourself being thought of by someone else, in this exercise. I'll give you a second to understand what I just asked.

You good?

Ok.

Do you think "responsible," popped up above your head? Maybe, maybe not. I'll tell you one thing. I myself, don't ever want that above my head.

Four years can seem to just fly by when you segment it like the American school system does. It's spring break now, and I've been think a lot of my next steps in life. I've said this before.

Responsibility sucks.

Sure, maturing and "growing up" is how I got to the subject, but this post isn't going to be about those woes. No, no. Responsibility, my friends, is the double-edged sword that has cut me more times than the piece of paper of a 1st grader trying to make a snowflake.

Do I describe myself a responsible person? Most certainly not, but I like to get things done, and I care for the things that matter to me. Too many times have I sacrificed my personal good time just to take care of that which holds a place in my life.

No one ever really wants to be the responsible one. That being said, you can't fight what you are. Being the responsible one is like being the guy you want to bring along for your trip, just because he'll watch your stuff.

I want to be respected. Not labeled.

Have you ever seen that episode of Daria (Who here watched Daria? Anyone?) where someone dies at her school, and everyone goes to her for death therapy? That is what it is like being the responsible one. Everyone goes to you...for work. Everyone comes to you...to rely on. Everyone goes to you...hoping to bail 'em out. Nobody ever comes to you...for a good time. Nobody ever looks up your number...cause you bring the fun.

Labeling people in general is bad. Having a label on someone, is almost like confining your opinion. People get surprised, sometimes, about how people act or when learning certain things. I prefer to question first, how much do you know about a person? How much are you basing your thoughts about a person on knowledge, and how much are you simply inferring?

This post was supposed to be better, but I'm getting tired of writing. Now comes the time to leave you with something poignant.

Labels, good on a can, not on a man.

(I need to blog more, this sucked.)

Social Paradox

I think I spend enough of my time thinking about myself. Not that kind of thinking about myself, the philosophical thinking about myself and why I do things. Tonight, is going to be me analyzing my social habits and skills. I, myself, try my best to individual amongst everybody else. Not so much to stand out and bring attention to myself, but to think differently from everyone else. One of the ways I do that is simply straight apathy. If you see me on the street, I do not care about you. Or at least what you think about me.

Anonymity, can be very powerful.

Many times have I convinced people, who I have never met before ever, to tell me what is bugging them, and I proceed to hand out my advice on the situation. Why? Why bother? Why would they do that? Why not? I mean, I don't care really what you think, and I would be a perfect objective stance to whatever they would be facing. Odds are, if this is the first time I have met you, this just might also be the last time I am going to see you. This can easily split into a, "Don't waste your time with hate," speech but maybe some other time. My point is that, when you stop caring about what others think sometime you can do whatever you want. I pull of lot of strength and confidence when I meet you people from my anonymity.

Thus, poses the paradox. If you talk to my friends and ask about me, I'm pretty sure you would get a generic description of my attitude. Easy going, likable, wears flip-flops all the time, and then probably some odd men out. This is because when I am with people I consider my friends, that fog of anonymity begins to really clear up and I feel like I must act a certain way because that is how they have come to know me. Either a really nice guy or a sarcastic jerk. An outgoing schmoozer, or a background prop. I always love meeting new people, but it's the lasting relationships that confine me to act like something other than myself.

This is extra hard when trying to form those deeper kinds of relationships. The kind in your family, or with "best friends," or your special others. The first two come easier, unless you have been living a lie your whole life, because those usually have a pretense of knowing you from an early start and after long periods of time the ruse of ambiguity just fades away. That last case is what is compelling me to write about my social mind. To sum up the paradox.

Paradox: Not knowing people lets me be very approachable, to the people whom I want to grow close. Growing close means caring about their judgment, so I keep myself away even though I want to form those bonds.

*Aside* I find that, I really don't care about anyone's opinion ever. Except when I am interested in someone, then that is the only opinion I ever care about, and the human interactive framework in me crumbles down to the bumbling guy I was in middle school. I wish I had to courage to finally really say something to her.

What may come.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
-George Santayana






Wise words Mr. Santayana. How ever, I am compelled to disagree. I think he was close. I will make my own modification.









"Those who cannot remember the past, are only the only ones surprised when it happens again."
-John Vincent Muniz









I added the Vincent because my middle name is cool.

Time, straight line.

History, circular...most likely spheroid.

If you learn about the past and history or you remain ignorant, has nothing to do with the fact that that you are fated for it to happen again. Now of course I do not mean exact same course of action and events taking place, that's why I mentioned history is most likely spheroid. The trip from point A to point B may not be exactly the same, but when it comes down to it, it's all just a bunch of circles. Calculus teaches that.

Alot of things in my life, seem to just repeat. (Especially my classes, but that's a different kettle 'o fish.) For middle school onward, I seem to just be stuck in this loop. It's not necessarily bad. Just a little too predictable now. If I graphed all high and low points of it all, I would end up with this sine wave of...fortune, for lack of better words. (Boy, I'm sure not skimping out on the math terminology in this post.) Condemned has such a finite connotation to it, doesn't it? Condemned. I don't feel so much condemned, per se, as much as I feel screwed over. It like repeating history is just a way of nature, and I can only have it run its course. After a while, you just know what is going to happen, in a general sense. You accept the fortune coming your way and brace for the downfall. I am not quite sure what I want to say in the post here, I'm probably just really bored, I have just noticed so many parallelisms that occur in my life and think that it cannot be all simply attributed to coincidence.

SO, I have deduced it down to fate.

As soon I figure out how to change that, I'll finally be able to break; out of that loop.

(It's as if my blogging corresponds to some English paper I have to write, but I actually just like to start things with a quote. This is all really what just pops into my head.)

Dream Analysis

Okay.

So ever since...probably about the beginning of last summer, before I would go to bed, I would say my prayers. Every night, along with all my well-wishing for those I love, I would pray for a dream. What can I say, I love to dream. (Not in the figurative or curing cancer sense, literal dreaming.) My real life lacks a certain "oomph" that I can get when I dream. While you're dreaming you can feel all of the emotions and experiences you've been missing in the land of waking.

But enough of that poetry mess.

My recent past dreams have been a little weird...to say the least. A quite entertaining one involves, my roommate Steven's relationship, and I suppose playing too much "Ninja Gaiden Sigma."

So in this one, I'm apparently the ninja in "Ninja Gaiden Sigma" who has just been able to pin down this really strong fiend, who happens to be Steven's girlfriend. I haven't spent that much time with her, so her face in my dream was a bit fuzzy. But it was definitely Steve's girl. How am I so sure? Because while I am pinning her down, I am yelling at my roommate, who has this really big sword in his hands, to finish her off! (Yeah...really weird.)

So Steve is there.

Sword raised.

Me yelling, "Come on Steven! You have to do it!"

Steven is objecting, "I can't!"

"You have to! It's not her anymore! Just another fiend!"

"I can't do it." My roommate dejectedly admits as the sword fall from his clutches. While the fiend escapes my grip and gets away.

That one was pretty out there but this is not why I am posting tonight at 4 A.M. My most recent dream is by far the biggest mindfuck that hit me ever. I mean, this last one was some really hardcore Freudian shit. (You can tell how serious, I am by my use of expletives.)

Just to warn you, my dreams get pretty disjoint jumping from scene to scene. I also know now, after thinking about it for a while, why most of this is happening. Ask me of a real explanation later.

OK. So for some reason I'm on this trip on a boat. I am in the cabin of the ship, so it's just like being in a room, but I definitely know I am on a boat. There are like 3 other people there but I can't tell who they are, besides some captain figure. They must not have been very important. Oh yeah, in this cabin is a bed I pretty much reside on during most of the dream. So eventually, (After some dream-time-lapse) we stop and the captain guy and the other people open the door and leave the cabin of the boat. I get up to see where we are, and as it ends up we are at this like dried up dock. "Yeah...uhh...ok," is what's going through my dream-self's head. (Insert disjointedness here.) So I decide to go back on this boat. I open the door to the boat, which now has been connected to this hallway for some reason. (I left through one door, but came in the boat through this hallway door.) And now there is my friend from Kansas at this desk angrily, but loudly, mumbling to himself, ("him" in this next quote is actually someone's name [for anonymity sake], that my friend from Kansas does not know AT ALL) "Damn him! Why did she go to him! It's all his fault!" and other stuff along those lines. Again I am thinking, "Yeah...uhh...ok." and go to the bed and fall asleep. After a while someone wakes me up with, get this, a kiss on the forehead. The sensation of her lips on my forehead, felt quite real. As is ends up, the one who woke me up was this girl I hung out with a lot of the time this past summer. "Hey. How you doin?" in this calming gentle voice she tells me. I can't ever quite piece a sentence together when I'm dreaming, but I realize, "Hey, why not take this time to actually kiss her now? I mean she kissed me first." So I try to lean for this small kiss, but here lips are just always like slightly moving away every time I lean in. Its not like she was pushing me away, it was more like a slight tilt of her head was JUUUUST enough for me to not reach.

Then after a little while, I woke up.

"GOD DAMNIT!! It was a dream!" Was screaming through my head. "WTF! What was all of that going on?!"


It's taken me a little bit, and I've self-analyzed what been going on. And boy, subconscious sure is hiding thing my awake mind has been wondering about for a while.

Stream

Hello.

Hi.

What's up.

Oh, not much. You?

Meh.

Meh? What's that supposed to mean.

Just meh.

Oh come on, something's bothering you.

You're right, but I say meh.

You're not telling me anything.

That's how I am, and for lack of better words and bad anime subbing...I'm perverse, so meh.

You're annoying sometimes, you know.

Yeah.

So what's really on your mind?

Alot, and you'd think I'd have this big fear of what's ahead, but I really just want to know what's missing from me right now.

Missing?

Yeah, ever since school started back in late August, things have been very empty in my life.

You know there's better guidance than me.

Yeah, I went there and I don't think I'm without that.

Sorry bud can't help you, but I know how your feel.

Oh gee, thanks alot.

Hey...shut up.