Supression.

Back in high school people used to call me "Jolly John."

"Don't be angry."

"Don't be like that."

All my life I've been told never to be mad. All my life I've been told never to be angry. Straight to the point where I simply wasn't allowed. I have seen other people angry. At me, at others, at the world. Even at the slightest things that would peeve me, someone would always be there to tell me how I should be feeling. Oh, but don't be angry.

Why not?

A smiling face. The most dangerous people in the world are often not the ones with tattoos all over their body or hard serious grimaces where ever they go. It's the person with the smiling face that has the most opportunity to cause the most harm. I am not one of those people. I have grown a level head. (More about that on a later post maybe.)

What happens to it all? If you are not allowed to let it out, where does it go?

EDIT:
Relative.

Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani

Ahem...



It seems like recently, the right thing is the wrong decision. It is a little hard to explain what I am feeling without just itemizing some events. How can I put this? Think about Mario, or Luigi, in the first Mario Bros. game. Mario, hard working guy with mad ups. What does a plumber know about saving damsels from fire breathing dinosaur turtles? Not much, but hell he's going to get it done. So the level starts, and after pitfalls, fireballs, brick walls, and close calls, he finally reaches last room of the castle to save...a toadstool, please try again. All the setup, none of the reward.

That is a good metaphor of what is going on in my head right now; except to be more precise when you get to the end of the castle the guy at the end would have to kick Mario in the nards every time it wasn't really the princess. My outlook on how life is treating me right now is that...you can try your best, it just makes the fall hurt harder. It is as if my fortune is asymptotically bounded before real success. If I try to go beyond that line, reset at the bottom! You know the "right thing" spiel? If you don't know the "right thing," think of an old mid 90's feel good movie. The right thing is what the good guy always does. Work hard, be yourself, be reponsible...feh!

I work hard to get those interviews, only to get shot down. Work hard at a good company I'm excited for, during a hiring freeze. When others won't step up, get kicked down by the same old stuff. I get to graduate on time, and leave new friends I wish I met and stuck with 4 years ago. Look out for others, to find no one else watchin your back. I act myself, only to feel alienated.

I'm done. I quit. I'm tired. I thought things were gonna be different. You win reality...again.

I was going to post lyrics from the very appropriate song "Everything Sucks" by Reel Big Fish that have been on my AIM profile forever. I shouldn't have to post it cause people check AIM profiles every 5 minutes still, amirite? Instead here are some more appropriate lyrics

Cause they say it's gonna happen again
Over and over the fun never ends
You'll go to see the doctor cause you haven't got time for the pain
And he'll say it's gonna happen again
Over and over till your living end
You can't give in to the pain that is on the rise
You'll die a little bit inside

Happened Again - The Littlest Man Band

Of course I'm not gonna leave on that sour note. I have been writing this post all weekend actually. Blogging goes well with brooding. I was really down, until I went to church. God knew what I was going through. He's like psychic or something. Today, Sunday, at mass the responsorial psalm were what I had been thinking for a while now. The priest's homily had one underlying message, the message of the psalm.

"The suffering, is not the end of the story."

Responsibility and Labels

Let's do a little exercise.

- Think about...hmm...five of your friends names. Just their names.
- Put them in some order. Any order, it doesn't matter. Well at least not for this exercise, ask a shrink. I'm sure the order you put them in actually means you have some repressed daddy issues or something.
- Now think of their appearance. Whole body. In order.
- Now think of some words describing each one of them.

Was any of them "responsible?"

Now think of yourself being thought of by someone else, in this exercise. I'll give you a second to understand what I just asked.

You good?

Ok.

Do you think "responsible," popped up above your head? Maybe, maybe not. I'll tell you one thing. I myself, don't ever want that above my head.

Four years can seem to just fly by when you segment it like the American school system does. It's spring break now, and I've been think a lot of my next steps in life. I've said this before.

Responsibility sucks.

Sure, maturing and "growing up" is how I got to the subject, but this post isn't going to be about those woes. No, no. Responsibility, my friends, is the double-edged sword that has cut me more times than the piece of paper of a 1st grader trying to make a snowflake.

Do I describe myself a responsible person? Most certainly not, but I like to get things done, and I care for the things that matter to me. Too many times have I sacrificed my personal good time just to take care of that which holds a place in my life.

No one ever really wants to be the responsible one. That being said, you can't fight what you are. Being the responsible one is like being the guy you want to bring along for your trip, just because he'll watch your stuff.

I want to be respected. Not labeled.

Have you ever seen that episode of Daria (Who here watched Daria? Anyone?) where someone dies at her school, and everyone goes to her for death therapy? That is what it is like being the responsible one. Everyone goes to you...for work. Everyone comes to you...to rely on. Everyone goes to you...hoping to bail 'em out. Nobody ever comes to you...for a good time. Nobody ever looks up your number...cause you bring the fun.

Labeling people in general is bad. Having a label on someone, is almost like confining your opinion. People get surprised, sometimes, about how people act or when learning certain things. I prefer to question first, how much do you know about a person? How much are you basing your thoughts about a person on knowledge, and how much are you simply inferring?

This post was supposed to be better, but I'm getting tired of writing. Now comes the time to leave you with something poignant.

Labels, good on a can, not on a man.

(I need to blog more, this sucked.)

Well, it's nothing I'm not used to.

As per usual. (As usual as this blog can get.) I'll start with a comment about this blog itself.

It's becoming a vent.

That aside. I made sure to leave my self some messages this time to make sure I remember what to write about. If there is anything ever on here you do not understand or think it comes off a little weird. There's most likely a double meaning behind it, and is probably not too hard to figure out what I'm talking about if you just think about it for a while. It would also help to know me better.



And that aside. I forget if I have written about this, but I'm stuck in a loop. Time, linear. History...wait...this all sounds definitely familiar. Familiar, yes, but different I'm still typing. Even my posts are looping. I just can not seem to escape. If you have seen my Facebook in the past week, I have been trying to play the optimist. I think back to before high school, and I noticed that went I walk around now I am never looking up. My head is always to the ground. 4 years I have been at this university, and just keeping my head up changes the look entirely. That said, just because it looks different does mean shit. Like I said I'm in a loop. So guess what happened, if you said, "that same thing as last time," you would pretty much be right. Starts with a good, "Things will be different! It'll all be good and fun this time! Everyone else always has a blast."

Why not? Can I? Be like them?

Of course them is not always good. That's me at least trying to be a little positive. I tried, I mean I really tried, and thought it was going good for a while. Then when one thing goes wrong, I go and make an excuse. An excuse about being not like them, and that's how I like it. Of course an excuse can always be excused, if the excuse is true. (Trying the optimism again.) I've been trying to achieve some goals this year, and often I think of something that is beyond my control that has stopped me from doing so. So now, when it simply comes down to the fact that I tried, and failed, it comes to me as a surprise and disappointment. Desperately looking for reason for the outcome, it is simply the case that I am just not used to rolling snake eyes on fair dice. We've all got in our head what we hope for, dream about, fantasize.

Is this all just fantasy?

Responsibility sucks.

I should write in a scholarly journal.

The article will be titled,

"The Effect of Women's Relationship Status with Respect to Connections with John Muniz."

I'm 0-5 with my theory of women. Well, 5-0 depending on how you look at it. Hell. make it 6-0 just to make the numbers look higher. And if I want it to be more general of a case, 7-0. I'll call it Munizian Theory, actually...7-0...Muniz's Law of Relationship Equilibria.

The Muniz Effect.

I'm gonna be rich

I think I'm really gonna buy this shirt.

The good ol' times.

When people in general weren't so complicated, and all you worried about was tomorrow.




When you weren't with someone...and they were...and they knew it.

When you just couldn't take hints, that those jokes weren't between you two.

When everyone was simply a jerk and they felt the need to complain about on their LiveJournals.

I said I wouldn't

I've lied.

To myself.

It's more along the lines of, "Who am I kidding?"

As a bit of a disclaimer, this is going to be a DEB post...I know, I said I wouldn't. Or at least I hoped.

My eye lids are getting heavy and I can't understand Japanese, so let me get to typing.

When was it? When was I simply incapable of "having fun." I remember days that I didn't regret. I remember times when I...I knew people. Happiness is but fleeting. (Wow, this is starting to suck.) I can't help it, if sometimes I like to be a bit upper crusty. It is who I am. I won't change that. I can't change that. Maybe that's why. (いんぼう。。。）Things just don't work out. The best laid plans of mice and men often go to shit. (Hey, isn't it "awry") "...to shit." Just sounds better, shut up. "Why aren't you ever up there?!" Because, I can't nearly numb my emotions enough by myself. "John, you didn't have to." But...I guess I just care too much. Damn, compassion. One of those traits that seems to stab you in the back every time. (Please excuse any typos that might be in this post...my eyes are closed.) あの女がいない。So my everything, I suppose was a failure. (Oaawwww....) There certainly was a lot of bubble bursting. And easily a lot of expectations met. I really need to stop running simulations in my head, none of them are ever true. EVER.

Hey, two europeans. Bonjour, or something. Hola perhaps. Guten tag to my blog. Hey, that rhymes.

Eww those burps don't taste very good.

Why did that happen.

Ok, I'm done.

Later, hopefully.








"How about....HELL NO!"

What did I come all the way out here for?
I'm just...a rock on the side of the road!

You're wrong!