As per usual. (As usual as this blog can get.) I'll start with a comment about this blog itself.
It's becoming a vent.
That aside. I made sure to leave my self some messages this time to make sure I remember what to write about. If there is anything ever on here you do not understand or think it comes off a little weird. There's most likely a double meaning behind it, and is probably not too hard to figure out what I'm talking about if you just think about it for a while. It would also help to know me better.
And that aside. I forget if I have written about this, but I'm stuck in a loop. Time, linear. History...wait...this all sounds definitely familiar. Familiar, yes, but different I'm still typing. Even my posts are looping. I just can not seem to escape. If you have seen my Facebook in the past week, I have been trying to play the optimist. I think back to before high school, and I noticed that went I walk around now I am never looking up. My head is always to the ground. 4 years I have been at this university, and just keeping my head up changes the look entirely. That said, just because it looks different does mean shit. Like I said I'm in a loop. So guess what happened, if you said, "that same thing as last time," you would pretty much be right. Starts with a good, "Things will be different! It'll all be good and fun this time! Everyone else always has a blast."
Why not? Can I? Be like them?
Of course them is not always good. That's me at least trying to be a little positive. I tried, I mean I really tried, and thought it was going good for a while. Then when one thing goes wrong, I go and make an excuse. An excuse about being not like them, and that's how I like it. Of course an excuse can always be excused, if the excuse is true. (Trying the optimism again.) I've been trying to achieve some goals this year, and often I think of something that is beyond my control that has stopped me from doing so. So now, when it simply comes down to the fact that I tried, and failed, it comes to me as a surprise and disappointment. Desperately looking for reason for the outcome, it is simply the case that I am just not used to rolling snake eyes on fair dice. We've all got in our head what we hope for, dream about, fantasize.
Is this all just fantasy?
Responsibility sucks.
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